Handling Conflict in Relationships

Are you dealing with some form of conflict in any of your personal relationships: marriage, children, parents, co-workers?  It is likely that you are in conflict in some form or another, because conflict is inevitable in any relationship.  James 4:1-10 gives us practical advice on how to deal with conflict that arises.




From whence [come] wars and fightings among you? [come they] not hence, [even] of your lusts that war in your members?
Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.
Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume [it] upon your lusts.
Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?
But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded.
Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and [your] joy to heaviness.
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

God wants us to have good, healthy relationships, but Satan is out to destroy all of our relationships, because he knows if he does that, he can rob us of our joy and take away our accountability.  Satan wants us to isolate ourselves from other believers.

Pride is a major cause of conflict in relationships.  God resists the proud; this means God will not help you when you are proud.  Pride keeps you from admitting wrong and keeps you from praying for wisdom to know how to resolve the conflict.

God gives us four steps to deal with conflict here.

First, we are to submit to God. "Submit yourselves therefore to God."  This means that we let our will be lost in God's will.  We stop fighting against God and accept the things he allows in our lives.  Die to self; realize one cannot be filled with self and with the Spirit of God at the same time.  An exchange must take place: his will for yours. Most human relationship conflicts are a result of an inner unrest attributed to not accepting God's will for your life.

Secondly, we are to resist the Devil.  "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."  To "resist" means to be prepared for his tactics and withstand him.  We need to wise up to Satan and realize it is his goal to destroy our relationships.  The thoughts he puts into our minds about our loved ones are never true.  The ideas he plants need to be ignored.  Renew your mind daily in God's Word so you are prepared when Satan attacks your mind.  Then, he will run and find someone who is not prepared for him.

Thirdly, we are to get close to God.  "Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you."  How do we get close to God?  The answer is spending more time with Him.  We must increase our time in prayer, in His Word, and in His House.  We should pray every day before our quiet time and before every church service, "Lord bring me closer to you."  Then, as we get closer to God, He gets closer to us.  I have found that I am easier to get along with and it is easier for me to get along with others, when I have spent quality time with the Lord.

Fourthly, we are to be willing to ask forgiveness.  "Cleanse your hands ye sinners, and purify your hearts, ye double minded."  The hands speak of the things we do, while the heart speaks of our attitudes.  We must confess both sins of action and attitude to God first and make things right with Him.  We are to be truly sorry for our sin, not flippant about it.  James says, "Be afflicted and mourn...."  That is brokenness over sin.  Then, once we have made things right with God, we should go to the people we have hurt, humble ourselves, and ask forgiveness.  Don't let stubborn pride keep you from admitting your part of the wrong, even if you consider yourself to only be 10% wrong.  Take care of your part and turn God loose to deal with the other person.

Do not allow conflict to go on, whether it is in your marriage or with someone in your local church.  Humble yourself and apologize for your part in the conflict.  Pray for God's help to display kindness to the one who has offended you.  God will give you the grace to do it as you humble yourself and eliminate your stubbornness.  Is it really worth it to hold on to your pride and lose that relationship as well as God's blessings in your life?